why wasn’t I born one of those impulsive people who is comfortable expressing emotions and affection? sometimes I think I can come across to people as a sort of ‘Ice Queen’ because I am not comfortable with physical affection; I will hug people but I feel distinctly uncomfortable if people make any other kind of physical move towards me, like stroking my hair. I have a bad temper except I don’t shout or display it verbally, instead expressing it in my facial expressions, never being very comfortable with detailing my feelings verbally (I don’t mind writing them down as you can probably tell). I hate apologising or accepting someone else’s apology. this is a horrible character default, as I am well aware.
I am not impulsive, I am a person of routine, structure and careful planning, the typical control freak. I like things clean, I like things in their right place and everything playing out how I imagine it. I often feel sorry for anyone who might enter in the future into some form of relationship with me because I am so compulsively NEAT and I control people around me, bossing them around. I don’t even realise I do it. I do not consciously realise that I am being an unpleasant person, often existing in the delusion that I am a nice and generous being. and I am able to be, except that my desire for perfection interrupts the pleasantness I am trying to put across.
I am also very self obsessed- look how many times I have said ‘I’ in this little diatribe, and add to the fact that I have two blogs, have kept extensive whiny journals for four years and have a therapist and it all equates to a healthy self obsession (though one that does indulge in self loathing fairly often.)
blah blah blah, I am ashamed to say that I put myself first in most situations. I admire those who are selfless and brave but I am selfish and cowardly. this extreme disappointment in an aspect of my character leads me to wild and impulsive desires which I quickly quash; the urge to jump in front of a car, run up and shout something inappropriate in public, scream my true feelings about someone into their ear. can’t I feel a healthy desire to change things instead?
maybe everyone else battles with these feelings of indecision over expression and they too all hold back the desire to shout at people why they are angry, or what they are feeling etc. or maybe other people want to jump in front of cars too.
in terms of the written word I am fine with expressing my feelings, as long as I know no one I know in real life will read them. I went to a writer’s club once and read aloud poetry and internally died as my most private emotions and impressions of the world around me were made public to the class. I don’t like intimacy unless it is with my self and another writer speaking to me silently from a book, or a musician or a TV character- people who can’t “hurt” me as they are not currently physically there.
to come to the point of this ramble I wish I was not who I am, someone strict with my self, repressed in a lot of aspects and smothered by indecision and fear. I always know when I am not scared or worrying over something because it happens rarely and I feel a nice little sensation of freedom, peace and bravery swim through me.